Back to My Roots

When you blog all the time, you the world as all things blogable.
When you don't blog, it seems as if there is nothing to talk about, so you continue to not blog. It's a vicious cycle.

This is my attempt to get out of the trap.

I am going to start small, with Halloween pics. Lame. I know. But This is how people start blogging, right? Just pictures of themselves, then they move into documenting every breath that their children take, then they graduate to riveting commentary on life and humanity...and since I don't have kids, ideally, I'll skip right to the riveting commentary part after I lure you in with my good looks and charisma.

Previous Post Removal

Paul had a night to sleep on his decision to allow me publish the previous (now non-existent) post. He came to realize exactly how vast the interweb is and asked me to remove said post. I am accommodating his wishes.

So if the previous post is still on your reader, and you got the now rare chance at seeing a glimpse of my life at home, simply and quietly note exactly how lucky you are.

Thank you.

Public Restroom Ed: Always Look Both Ways

I just returned from ghetto shopping with my mom, sister, and grandpa. I like to ghetto shop when I have the chance. I like the trashy, bargain bin places, and I appreciate the insanity of a clearance sale.

These, however, are not places you often want to pee at.

But sometimes you don't have a digestive track regular enough to deny any chance at disposing waste from your body ... just saying.

The store we happened to be at today, fortunately, has decent lavatory, you wouldn't want to, I don't know, say, pass out on the floor (story coming soon) or something, but you can do the deed and get on with your life.

Upon entering the facilities, I see that the handicap stall is available. I love the handicap stall. It tends to be the furthest back (which appeases my rules ) and has enough space to feel more private and secluded, which is always a nice touch. Upon my excitement of being booked in the public restroom suite, I failed to check the TP status.

I grab the toilet seat cover/condom/gasket/thing, drop my drawers, and the first few instants are off to a great start. I literally thought to myself that this was going to be a record time experience (I typically get stage fright in such situations). Then I reach for the toilet paper.



Roll #2 of the dual action dispenser is out.

I strike a hopeful glance to Roll #1. Ahhhh! (the sigh, not Aaaah! the scream) There was still a single, whimsical serving left in Roll #1 before some over-zealous TP fiend who switched the slider to Roll #2.

I then proceed to reach my hand under the dispenser to simply swap the slider from Roll #2 back to Roll #1, but apparently racy adjustments like that are overstepping the boundaries. The slider was jammed or locked or just plain cruel because I couldn't move it at all.

Unaware that my feat would be in vain, I contort my body to cock my head to the underside of the dispenser to look for a switch or lever or button to release the contraption's death grip.

After adjusting enough to have the public john auto-flush device engage on my desperate cheeks not once, but twice, and having a whole slew of graphic images of what creatures could be touching my lady parts with every drop of water that flew up to splash the sunless, nether regions of my delightfully chubby body, I rose the white flag and began to try to snake my hand up the mechanism to take the paper for myself.

My urgent attempt resulted in several scratches, but I was still able to reach the toilet paper with my middle and pointer fingers. Enduring one more miserable auto-flush and unable to achieve more than shredding the small remains of the roll into streamers of tissue confetti, I scrounged the remnants until I had enough to fulfill my needs, and did not have to turn to Plan C which involved using the toilet seat cover/condom/gasket/things (which I might add, are rough on such tender areas and are completely non-absorbent) as a final replacement.

I got my act together, and felt somewhat victorious, as I glanced back, wishing I could warn the next handicap stall victim, to see a full, new, 24" industrial roll of toilet paper on a hook, on the opposite side of the toilet.

Thoughts on Dining Out

us at Yellowstone while we were still showered and gorgeous


I'm too lazy to care count how many times I have posted in the last year or so, but it has been far less than a handful.

I blame myself.

I have no excuse for my absence. I just got out of the habit, and in turn, have disappointed the countless people who accidentally tumble onto my blog while searching riveting topics such as "adolescent jokes."

But something that has been on my mind, that I have not seen addressed by the likes of the blogs I frequent, is a distressing matter concerning going out to eat. I like going out to eat, yet I don't seem to maintain the same value system that some of my restaurant companions do.

I frequently, not always, but almost always, finish all of my food when I go out. I have a healthy appetite and room to contain it, so I prefer to finish as much of my meal as close to when it was prepared as possible. Apparently, this is not normal.

There is some code among women that you should not finish your meal (or at least not in front of each other). Perhaps they really do all just have adorable, little, dainty, sweet appetites, and it has nothing to do with just wanting to look like that, so when I finish scraping every last penny of succulent bliss off of my plate, and look up to see them still poking their way around a half piece of chicken still laying on a full bed of rice pilaf with their first glass of ridiculously over-priced Diet Pepsi still three-quarters full, I feel like some sub-human, vacuum form of a cow.

Then after picking at a few bites for 30 minutes and boxing up the remains of almost an entire meal, my slim-eating companions allow their meals to remain with us at the table for another 45 minutes while we talk inside, then they hold their now room temperature food in their styrofoam containers as we say our farewells outside for another 25 minutes. Then they put what is currently at the prime temperature to breed microorganisms in their 107-degree cars while they shop for another hour, then drive 10 minutes home, to what, put the over-sized bacterium in the fridge and eat for lunch tomorrow, give to the kids for a snack, pass off to the unassuming babysitter?

...and why is it that I feel like the gross one after I finish my meal when it is hot and fresh?

I Never Mentioned It

But it is kind of a big deal.

I recently cleansed my life of the these

and said hello to these bad boys


which may not seem like a big deal, but those jeans were my ultimate frienemy, and it is tough to break from toxic relationships like that, especially when the only thing you have to replace them with is jeans that are only long enough for you because they made a 3-foot crotch in them, because apparently having really long legs is some sort of freak, birth defect, so nobody makes really long jeans that are long because the inseam in long. Yet having a super crotch, well that is perfectly normal, in fact, if someone needs jeans in a long length, companies should just assume that is because they are suffering from your typical lengthy crotch, while their legs are a standard 30-inches.

Thank you Big Star Jean Co., for having some sympathy for the sub-humans out there, with our flailing limbs, and our standard crotches. Hopefully one day TLC will take notice of us and produce a feature of us "Human Spider Monkeys," and play it right along side "Mermaid Girl" and "World's Heaviest Man Gets Married."

Seating Charts (with original illustrations)

As my blog has been collecting dust a repeated offense has come to my attention that needs to be addressed: seating.

You see, I consistently find that regardless of how many empty seats there are, someone always comes and sits either right next to me or way too close. Seating should be looked at the same way I once heard that the men's restroom described. Essentially, if possible, you should not be able to hear the person closest to you, whether they are peeing or chatting on the phone.


As you can see, the process of finding a place is a matter of combining space, balance, and my personal anti-social tendencies. The first person comes as far from the door as possible, the next person takes the territory as far away from the first person and the third person must improvise to find something suitable in the middle.

The following is a series of diagrams of where to sit in different locations and social situations. These can all be downloaded, printed, and used as a regular resource for both those who were previously unaware of the social seating rules and for those who suffer the effects of those who break the norms.

Bonus points to whoever knows the name of the chair below.

Exhibit A: Line of chairs in a hallway or waiting room


Note how with both urinals and chairs the spacing is key. Under only the most dire circumstances should one sit directly next to another; and in many circumstances it is better to just opt out of sitting instead of parking yourself immediately beside someone else.

Exhibit B: Theater seating


Exhibit C: Transportation #1


Exhibit D: Transportation #2


Now, I know what you are thinking: what a waste of so many chairs. What you need to understand is that many of these chairs will, in fact, be filled by those who travel in parties and by the purses, briefcases, and other effects of those previously seated.

I encourage all of you to spread the word of the social seating chart. In time, those who break the rules will realize that the rules were created for our freedom, and that we are all better because they exist.

Happy Holidays! With Love, the Worst Blogger Ever

Blogging used to be the least productive thing I did in my life, now it is the least productive part of my life.

In fact, I posted on my cousin's blog ages ago to get handmade gift, on the contingency that I would post saying that the first two people to post on my blog would also get a handmade gift from me to, if they do the same thing (a little handcrafted, pay it forward, if you will). And I am only finally doing that right now (so again, if you are one of the only two people to post on this blog, you will get a handcrafted, Lacking Productivity original, handmade gift, however, you must make the same offer on your blog).

Now, we are a little late on our holiday greetings, so to those of you who I would should send a card, here it is, in all of its completely lazy, blog-posted, Christmas card glory.




and here is what I would have written to you, my family, friends, and virtual buds who have meant something special to me this year (sorry to those of you I forgot or I am pretending that I forgot):

Mom, Dad, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thank you for everything. I know how lame that sounds, but it would be impossible to list all that you have done and meant to us over the past year. I don't know where I would be without any of you.

Mom, thanks for your understanding, humor, and good food.

Dad, thanks for your hard work, example, and patience.

Karli, thanks for your sharing, creativity, and forgiveness.

Konnie, thanks for your happiness, being easy going, and yummy treats.

Kohl, thanks for coming home, dedication, and sincere kindness.

Kyler, thanks for your sense of humor, getting me, and tough love.

Klarissa, thanks for your laughs, letting me torture you, and good taste.

Kevin, thanks for your funny comments, dances, and helping hands.

We hope you all enjoy the holiday season, the break, and the hundreds of feet of snow in front of your house. We love you!


Ray and Laura: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thanks for keeping us around even though I (apparently) shut the door too loud in the morning, and we have more vehicles than are possible to drive at any one time, and we just don't have the same great taste that you do. We have enjoyed our time being around, which I can't imagine is always said when family members live so close together. Happy holidays. We love you!

Daniel and Heidi: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Congrats on the new baby...since we don't know if you have had it yet or not. Have you? Either way, we want to see pictures, know if the baby is a boy or a girl, and we want to know how everything is going as soon as possible! We love you and hope you have a great new year!


Jason, Giancarlo, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I hope you guys get a chance to relax over the holidays and enjoy the season. You have had a long and busy year, but have been so classy through it all, but we wouldn't expect anything less from such an amazing family. You are in our hearts. We love you!


Katrine, John, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Merry Christmas you guys! Get some rest and take a break from all the moving, but then quickly get back to work because we are so so triple excited to have you guys close someday soon! Good luck with everything and please let us know if there is anything we can do. We love you!


Kelly, Travis, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Congrats on the new addition to your family this year. It has been so fun being able to see your blog this year and keep up with you more than I have ever have. You have a beautiful family, and the boys look as adventurous as possible. Have a great holiday season. We love you!


Zach, Ash, Saige, and Ryden: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
We need to see you guys more often. I don't know how many times we can say that, but we really need to one of these days. Congrats on the new baby (he is so stinking cute). Have a great holiday season. We love you!


Claire, Dennis, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been great getting to know you better over the last few months. One of these days, I will get to speak to you in person and after ages of enjoying you through a computer screen, I will get to know the real person. Your words and thoughts and changed me. Thanks for sharing yourself. We love you!


Mike, Page, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It feels like ages since we saw you last, I hope you guys find some great excuse to visit down here soon, or perhaps you would like to move? You always have a million things going on at once in your life. I hope you are enjoying every bit of it. Merry Christmas! We love you.


Dan, Jana, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
We really adore you folks. You are clever, funny, and tolerant of the really crazy families. Thanks for letting us get to know you (and probably annoy you) over the past year. I'll invite you to eat my mom's food some time soon. We love you!


JLo and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I don't know you, really, but I adore you. Thanks for letting me pretend like you are my friend, even though you are really just Jason's friend who lets me read her blog. You are totally cute and your family is adorable. I must must must meet you the next time we go see Jason, or the next time we go out might be to see you and we'll have to have dinner with Jason sometimes during the trip. ;D We love you!


Melissa, Jason, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thanks for being there for me so much these past few months. You have been such an incredible help and great person to vent to as I try to figure everything out. I am going to miss having class with you even though you are right next door. I hope you have a great, and very well-deserved winter break. Have a great vacation. We love you.


Jordan and Clay: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I am so glad you have been enjoying yourselves so far away and that things seem to being going your way. Congrats on the new baby. I am so excited for you. Enjoy the holidays! We love you!


Bonny and Junaid: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been so great hearing from you lately. Keep it up. You are a fantastic person and I am so excited to see where the future takes you. Enjoy the holiday season, and keep cooking all of those delicious things that you make. We love you!


Jenna: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorite!
Have a great holiday season! I hope things are working out great with you and your new life in a new place. I can't imagine you aren't making the most of everything, that seems to be one of the best parts of your personality. Keep in touch! We love you!


Karen, Chris, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been so great to see what your family is up to lately. You kids are gorgeous and you all seem to have so much fun together. We really need to get together and have lunch one of these days. It would be so fun to see you. Have a great holiday. We love you!


Jessi, Dude, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I hope you love your new home far away. It looks beautiful, and it seems like you guys are really enjoying yourselves. Your baby looks so sweet. I hope this year brings you the best of things, you really deserve it. Have a great holiday. We love you!


Dan: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorite! I hope being far away at some big, elite college is everything you hoped it would be; I'm sure it is. I hope life is serving you up the best, and you are enjoying it. Send me an email or something and let me know how everything is. Enjoy the holiday. We love you!


Stephanie, Andrew, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You are so funny; it kills me! Thank you for sharing you life and stories with us. I always get excited to see what is going on in your crafty, clever, and so very honest life. Enjoy the holiday. We love you!


KaNeil and Oak: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I totally miss you to pieces, but I am so excited for all that you two are up to. We have to get together while you are in town, even if it is just for a few minutes to catch up. I hope you love everything about your life right now and things are perfect for you. You deserve it. Have a great holiday season! We love you!


Royal, Danelle, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It is always great to see you guys and your cutie-pa-tootie little one. I hope you guys have a great year, and everything keeps going as well in your lives as it seems to have been going. Best of luck with everything you are working hard on in your lives right now. Happy holidays! We love you!


John, Nicole, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You have such a beautiful family and such large hearts. You are such and inspiration and so fun loving at the same time. It is so great to see the adventures in you life and the great ways you guys work through everything. Have a merry Christmas and a fantastic new year. We love you!


Reagan, Jon, and cat: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You are totally my kindred spirit. Some of the things you say are right out of my own brain. I hope you are enjoying your posh life when "work" is at some incredible resort on a secluded and gorgeous, private island or in a 5 star hotel in Manhattan. Have a great Christmas. We love you!


Katie, Peter, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Your lives seem to be in such a great place right now. I hope everything keeps going your way; you absolutely deserve it. We need to get together sometime and have lunch or something to catch up. It would be fun to fill in all the blanks and share memories of the old days. Merry Christmas. We love you!


Mindy and Michael: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Now that we don't have class together, we are going to have to be tons better at planning on going to lunch. I hope things go so well in your future and student teaching is so fun (you are going to rock it, by the way). Have a great holiday break! We love you!