I Never Mentioned It

But it is kind of a big deal.

I recently cleansed my life of the these

and said hello to these bad boys


which may not seem like a big deal, but those jeans were my ultimate frienemy, and it is tough to break from toxic relationships like that, especially when the only thing you have to replace them with is jeans that are only long enough for you because they made a 3-foot crotch in them, because apparently having really long legs is some sort of freak, birth defect, so nobody makes really long jeans that are long because the inseam in long. Yet having a super crotch, well that is perfectly normal, in fact, if someone needs jeans in a long length, companies should just assume that is because they are suffering from your typical lengthy crotch, while their legs are a standard 30-inches.

Thank you Big Star Jean Co., for having some sympathy for the sub-humans out there, with our flailing limbs, and our standard crotches. Hopefully one day TLC will take notice of us and produce a feature of us "Human Spider Monkeys," and play it right along side "Mermaid Girl" and "World's Heaviest Man Gets Married."

Seating Charts (with original illustrations)

As my blog has been collecting dust a repeated offense has come to my attention that needs to be addressed: seating.

You see, I consistently find that regardless of how many empty seats there are, someone always comes and sits either right next to me or way too close. Seating should be looked at the same way I once heard that the men's restroom described. Essentially, if possible, you should not be able to hear the person closest to you, whether they are peeing or chatting on the phone.


As you can see, the process of finding a place is a matter of combining space, balance, and my personal anti-social tendencies. The first person comes as far from the door as possible, the next person takes the territory as far away from the first person and the third person must improvise to find something suitable in the middle.

The following is a series of diagrams of where to sit in different locations and social situations. These can all be downloaded, printed, and used as a regular resource for both those who were previously unaware of the social seating rules and for those who suffer the effects of those who break the norms.

Bonus points to whoever knows the name of the chair below.

Exhibit A: Line of chairs in a hallway or waiting room


Note how with both urinals and chairs the spacing is key. Under only the most dire circumstances should one sit directly next to another; and in many circumstances it is better to just opt out of sitting instead of parking yourself immediately beside someone else.

Exhibit B: Theater seating


Exhibit C: Transportation #1


Exhibit D: Transportation #2


Now, I know what you are thinking: what a waste of so many chairs. What you need to understand is that many of these chairs will, in fact, be filled by those who travel in parties and by the purses, briefcases, and other effects of those previously seated.

I encourage all of you to spread the word of the social seating chart. In time, those who break the rules will realize that the rules were created for our freedom, and that we are all better because they exist.

Happy Holidays! With Love, the Worst Blogger Ever

Blogging used to be the least productive thing I did in my life, now it is the least productive part of my life.

In fact, I posted on my cousin's blog ages ago to get handmade gift, on the contingency that I would post saying that the first two people to post on my blog would also get a handmade gift from me to, if they do the same thing (a little handcrafted, pay it forward, if you will). And I am only finally doing that right now (so again, if you are one of the only two people to post on this blog, you will get a handcrafted, Lacking Productivity original, handmade gift, however, you must make the same offer on your blog).

Now, we are a little late on our holiday greetings, so to those of you who I would should send a card, here it is, in all of its completely lazy, blog-posted, Christmas card glory.




and here is what I would have written to you, my family, friends, and virtual buds who have meant something special to me this year (sorry to those of you I forgot or I am pretending that I forgot):

Mom, Dad, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thank you for everything. I know how lame that sounds, but it would be impossible to list all that you have done and meant to us over the past year. I don't know where I would be without any of you.

Mom, thanks for your understanding, humor, and good food.

Dad, thanks for your hard work, example, and patience.

Karli, thanks for your sharing, creativity, and forgiveness.

Konnie, thanks for your happiness, being easy going, and yummy treats.

Kohl, thanks for coming home, dedication, and sincere kindness.

Kyler, thanks for your sense of humor, getting me, and tough love.

Klarissa, thanks for your laughs, letting me torture you, and good taste.

Kevin, thanks for your funny comments, dances, and helping hands.

We hope you all enjoy the holiday season, the break, and the hundreds of feet of snow in front of your house. We love you!


Ray and Laura: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thanks for keeping us around even though I (apparently) shut the door too loud in the morning, and we have more vehicles than are possible to drive at any one time, and we just don't have the same great taste that you do. We have enjoyed our time being around, which I can't imagine is always said when family members live so close together. Happy holidays. We love you!

Daniel and Heidi: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Congrats on the new baby...since we don't know if you have had it yet or not. Have you? Either way, we want to see pictures, know if the baby is a boy or a girl, and we want to know how everything is going as soon as possible! We love you and hope you have a great new year!


Jason, Giancarlo, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I hope you guys get a chance to relax over the holidays and enjoy the season. You have had a long and busy year, but have been so classy through it all, but we wouldn't expect anything less from such an amazing family. You are in our hearts. We love you!


Katrine, John, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Merry Christmas you guys! Get some rest and take a break from all the moving, but then quickly get back to work because we are so so triple excited to have you guys close someday soon! Good luck with everything and please let us know if there is anything we can do. We love you!


Kelly, Travis, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Congrats on the new addition to your family this year. It has been so fun being able to see your blog this year and keep up with you more than I have ever have. You have a beautiful family, and the boys look as adventurous as possible. Have a great holiday season. We love you!


Zach, Ash, Saige, and Ryden: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
We need to see you guys more often. I don't know how many times we can say that, but we really need to one of these days. Congrats on the new baby (he is so stinking cute). Have a great holiday season. We love you!


Claire, Dennis, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been great getting to know you better over the last few months. One of these days, I will get to speak to you in person and after ages of enjoying you through a computer screen, I will get to know the real person. Your words and thoughts and changed me. Thanks for sharing yourself. We love you!


Mike, Page, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It feels like ages since we saw you last, I hope you guys find some great excuse to visit down here soon, or perhaps you would like to move? You always have a million things going on at once in your life. I hope you are enjoying every bit of it. Merry Christmas! We love you.


Dan, Jana, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
We really adore you folks. You are clever, funny, and tolerant of the really crazy families. Thanks for letting us get to know you (and probably annoy you) over the past year. I'll invite you to eat my mom's food some time soon. We love you!


JLo and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I don't know you, really, but I adore you. Thanks for letting me pretend like you are my friend, even though you are really just Jason's friend who lets me read her blog. You are totally cute and your family is adorable. I must must must meet you the next time we go see Jason, or the next time we go out might be to see you and we'll have to have dinner with Jason sometimes during the trip. ;D We love you!


Melissa, Jason, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Thanks for being there for me so much these past few months. You have been such an incredible help and great person to vent to as I try to figure everything out. I am going to miss having class with you even though you are right next door. I hope you have a great, and very well-deserved winter break. Have a great vacation. We love you.


Jordan and Clay: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I am so glad you have been enjoying yourselves so far away and that things seem to being going your way. Congrats on the new baby. I am so excited for you. Enjoy the holidays! We love you!


Bonny and Junaid: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been so great hearing from you lately. Keep it up. You are a fantastic person and I am so excited to see where the future takes you. Enjoy the holiday season, and keep cooking all of those delicious things that you make. We love you!


Jenna: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorite!
Have a great holiday season! I hope things are working out great with you and your new life in a new place. I can't imagine you aren't making the most of everything, that seems to be one of the best parts of your personality. Keep in touch! We love you!


Karen, Chris, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It has been so great to see what your family is up to lately. You kids are gorgeous and you all seem to have so much fun together. We really need to get together and have lunch one of these days. It would be so fun to see you. Have a great holiday. We love you!


Jessi, Dude, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I hope you love your new home far away. It looks beautiful, and it seems like you guys are really enjoying yourselves. Your baby looks so sweet. I hope this year brings you the best of things, you really deserve it. Have a great holiday. We love you!


Dan: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorite! I hope being far away at some big, elite college is everything you hoped it would be; I'm sure it is. I hope life is serving you up the best, and you are enjoying it. Send me an email or something and let me know how everything is. Enjoy the holiday. We love you!


Stephanie, Andrew, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You are so funny; it kills me! Thank you for sharing you life and stories with us. I always get excited to see what is going on in your crafty, clever, and so very honest life. Enjoy the holiday. We love you!


KaNeil and Oak: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
I totally miss you to pieces, but I am so excited for all that you two are up to. We have to get together while you are in town, even if it is just for a few minutes to catch up. I hope you love everything about your life right now and things are perfect for you. You deserve it. Have a great holiday season! We love you!


Royal, Danelle, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
It is always great to see you guys and your cutie-pa-tootie little one. I hope you guys have a great year, and everything keeps going as well in your lives as it seems to have been going. Best of luck with everything you are working hard on in your lives right now. Happy holidays! We love you!


John, Nicole, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You have such a beautiful family and such large hearts. You are such and inspiration and so fun loving at the same time. It is so great to see the adventures in you life and the great ways you guys work through everything. Have a merry Christmas and a fantastic new year. We love you!


Reagan, Jon, and cat: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
You are totally my kindred spirit. Some of the things you say are right out of my own brain. I hope you are enjoying your posh life when "work" is at some incredible resort on a secluded and gorgeous, private island or in a 5 star hotel in Manhattan. Have a great Christmas. We love you!


Katie, Peter, and family: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Your lives seem to be in such a great place right now. I hope everything keeps going your way; you absolutely deserve it. We need to get together sometime and have lunch or something to catch up. It would be fun to fill in all the blanks and share memories of the old days. Merry Christmas. We love you!


Mindy and Michael: Oh my gosh, you are seriously our favorites!
Now that we don't have class together, we are going to have to be tons better at planning on going to lunch. I hope things go so well in your future and student teaching is so fun (you are going to rock it, by the way). Have a great holiday break! We love you!

Way Back in August

Paul got stung by a bee
in his mouth.




Normal Paul


Bee sting Paul

This re-entrance to the blog scene is dull.

Regardless, I feel compelled to blog again.

I want to talk about my jeans.

These are my favorite jeans.


As is noted in the image above, these jeans include several features no longer available in jeans purchased within the last 7 years. This is why I have taken such care in the preservation of said jeans.



The jeans fared well over the first two years, however I have spent the last three years carefully re-crafting the jeans internally with iron-on denim patches. The glue backing to the patches obviously creates a stiff thickness that is not common in traditional denim, thus these jeans can now stand upright without human assistance.

The past 8 months have been particularly difficult for the jeans. The knees practically refuse to bend without breaking; the thighs are nearly bare; the ripped-out hem is in shambles, and wear on the crotch makes Sex in the City look like High School Musical.



I know I need to mercy kill the jeans. Every time I look at them I hear faint echo of trumpets playing "Taps."

I fear the jeans are now creating their own holes in an effort to self-destruct. They know I don't have the guts to do it myself.

Sadly getting rid of these jeans represent several things that I am not ready to face yet; the most daunting of which is trying to find new jeans to replace them.

Since I shamelessly cannot yet remove these jeans from my life, I will continue my initial plan of patching the insides enough that I can simply flip the jeans inside out to reveal a pair of identical, however more durable, jeans hidden on the inside.

Corrections and Clarifications

1. JLo actually tagged me for the quiz below first. Not Jason. Apparently he stole her thunder.

2. Katrine, ride on Jon's bullet bike whenever you want. I bet you look at hot as Morgan Fairchild playing the role of herself playing the role of Dottie on "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" riding on the back of Pee Wee's bike, where Pee Wee is, of course, played by James Brolin, playing the part of himself playing the part of Pee Wee.


3. If your wedding invite includes more than one happy picture of yourself...great. good. I'm just sharing an opinion and not judging...in fact, if you are any friend of mine, you may just be hot enough that multiple pictures are merited.

Ummm So You Totally Think I Rock...and Now There's Proof

I know you all think I'm the bomb-diggidy...and I don't blame you. I mean, if you told me I rocked...who I am to call you a liar?

So here is the newest trophy to squeeze on my cluttered bloggy mantle



Thank you Jason...I can't believe you chose me when you have a haram following of female bloggers.

This award comes with a little quiz so you can all indulge in tasty tinbetts about my ever so fascinating life.

And this is the quiz that goes along with the award:

A. attached or single? Attached


B. best friend? St. Tropez Instant Tan Lotion


C. cake or pie? does the cake have frosting? yes. then pie.


D. day of choice? Thursday


E. essential item? really thick, padded, push-up bra


F. favorite color? the green of my eyes


G. gummy bears or worms? Haribo bears



H. hometown? Orem--Family City, USA



I. favorite indulgence? See's Chocolate



J. January or July? July


K. kids? zippo



L. life isn't complete without? sarcasm



M. marriage date? Oct. 07



N. number of brothers & sisters? 3 bros...3 sistas


O. oranges or apples? is the apple covered in caramel? no. then oranges.


P. phobias? birds


Q. quotes? "You harder to get a hold of than a greased pig at the county fair."--My Grandpa left on a voice mail message for me


R. reasons to smile? free anything



S. season of choice? summer



T. tag seven peeps! Does anybody else thing 7 is a lot


U. unknown fact about me? I look at the amount of Dietary Fiber in nearly everything


V. vegetable? Is stir fry a vegetable?


W. worst habits? Forgetting...everything


X. x-ray or ultrasound? x-ray...um who thought of that?


Y. your favorite food? My mom used to say this and now I know why: Anything somebody else makes for me.


Z. zodiac sign? Capricorn

Katrine also gave me a pity award several weeks back. But I'm over it now and pretending like it is totally legit.



There are a bunch of instructions and rules for this one...which kinda makes it like giving someone a puppy for a gift...here's your present...enjoy working and spending money on it.


Here are my 5 nominees: I am giving them accoding to specific post which I really enjoyed.

1. Reagan for this post about her auditioning for American Idol and including this line in the post "Once you have seen a gyno nothing makes you nervous"

2. A Wynn Wynn Situation for actually framing panties and making me want to do the same thing.

3.Webb on the Web because I knew her in high school and had my assumptions that she was the shyest, quietest, and most conservative girl on the block. This post changed all that and I couldn't be more happy about it.

4. Moosebutt I couldn't find my favorite, "That's what she said..." post, but here is one of them that illustrates what a clever moosebutt this fellow is.

5. 101 Reasons I'm Not the Mother of the Year because she is witty and the only mom I know who confiscated her sons imaginary cookies.

A Couple of Things I Learned While While I Stopped Blogging

I don't know how I blogged before, because I seriously cannot think of content right now to save my life. I have, however, learned a lot about the world over the past several weeks. I'll share. But don't expect anything spectacular.

• 2% Milk is 100% better than skim. I am the only one who drinks milk in our house of 2, so I buy the fat free because it makes me feel like I am loosing weight when I open my fridge to words like "diet," "fat free," and "with a ton of seasonings to cover it up, you can pretend that this actually tastes like butter." I drank 2% this weekend, I felt like was drinking milk from the udder of a golden calf.

PS: Can anyone explain to me why Mary Kate and Ashley are either still alive or still cared about enough that people would photograph these two creepy, doped-up twin corpses?

• Taking pictures of events requires bringing your camera. And no matter how much you say it, you probably won't end up getting copies from other people.

• No matter how wide the isles at the grocery store, one person can always manage to block the entire thing off. Those people can and will use all their resources, carts, children, friends, etc, to ensure that you cannot get past them without awkwardly requesting for their "inconvenient" adjustment.

• Do not ride on the back of a bullet bike. If you actually saw a picture of yourself crouched, doubled over in a frog-like fetal positing resting on someone's back, you would never do it again.

Note: I did not say the following to insult or make anyone mad. Really, it's just an opinion, not something I judge people by. Paul told me I could make people mad with this.
• Wedding invitations should be limited to a single picture of the couple. There is a point where the invitation includes so many additional pictures of the couple that it begins to look self-indulgent: as if you think that you are so attractive, that a single picture just will not suffice...no no, everyone must see what we look like smiling, cuddling, kissing, playing, and of course, walking away holding hands.

I don't know Judd or Ellie, but wish them the best in their marriage all the same.

• VH1 is a black hole of productivity and brain capacity. The channel runs a stream of "I Love the [fill in any given year or decade]," countdowns, reality shows, and where-are-they-nows that if seen, cannot be turned away from. It is not possible for me to just know what the #53-#49 top songs of the 90's were. I have to know the #1, even if that means sacrificing the proceeding seven hours.

Look at this cornucopia of glitter, fashion, music, and trash. Can you blame me? Shut up...you do the exact same thing...and right now you are thinking of that thing Britney said on "The 40 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes Ever" and you are laughing...and agreeing with me.

• Even if my hair was fixed as perfect as my hair is capable of, it still wouldn't looks as good as Laura's does when hers has been camped in and not washed in 3 days.